162. My Amplified Self

I am on the Facebook, now hear me roar...ROAARRRrrrr!!! Grrrr, aint I nasty and cool. Here me roar once more....ROOOOARRRRRR!!!! Yeah baby, ain't I so mean and growly and, um, roar-ry. You know it.

Check out my Facebook profile...I have conjured an amplified version of my self that is so blatantly cool that I'd pity the fool who wouldn't seek to befriend me.

Now lo and behold, for I have a list of 500 friends...30% of whom I wouldn't usually befriend under the best of circumstances (or even if a plague wiped out 99% of the world's population and these poor sods were all that was left), another 30% solely selected due to their attractiveness (which of course makes me a cooler person by virtue of knowing attractive people), another 30% would be people I vaguely know or knew from school or college who I don't actually give a shit about but still add nonetheless to show how popular I am, and perhaps the 10% or so left would be people I actually know who secretly hate me and only add me to their list to jack up their own friend numbers so they can seem cool themselves.

Ah...bliss...this virtual community of ours...behold all these cool and meaningless applications I add to show how happening I am...and check out how many things I have in common with a serial raper and paedophile...and look at how incredibly attractive I look in my photo-shopped snaps taken at flattering angles to hide my gut/double-shin/acne/sixth finger/third nipple.

I am so cool it hurts...so cool that I spend all time online feeding more juice into the amplified version of myself, telling everyone how I'm feeling on a daily basis in those cute little sentences that only makes me seem like that inbred one-eyed mutant retard from Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. So cool that I have no actually physical contact with real humans, and alternate my time between Facebook and my imaginary friends in the World of Warcraft. So cool that I blatantly dish our personal tidbits about myself and shove all the events and parties I'm attending down the throats of complete strangers to show how utterly deep and popular I am, when in fact I have the personality of a flea and a pecker to match it.

Yeah, I'm cool, and you know it.

Dedicated to the amplified versions of all you 100 million active Facebook users out there.