Monday, February 28, 2005

8. Hyperbole

A huge sigh of relief. Chelsea finally won their first trophy after spending about a gazillion dollars. Ok, so it's only the League Cup. But a trophy's a trophy nonetheless. Well, the 'Special One' will surely be pleased, considering back-to-back defeats to Newcastle and Barcelona respectively has somewhat derailed the massive hype train that is Chelsea. Talks of a quadruple? Sounds familiar, all you have to do is look at Arsenal round the same time last year. Chelsea will be happy to take this and the league (not too shabby considering they're out of the FA Cup and face a sticky return tie against rampant Barca).

Ironic that Chelsea's best player on the night didn't even play for Chelsea, yet. In a brilliant ploy to cosy up to his would-be employers, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard scored a superb own goal to rank up there with the best own goals of all time, the big bonus he'd earn upon signing for Chelsea in the summer undoubtedly at the back of his mind. After the match, the vastly over-rated Liverpool captain commented: "Well, it was really difficult match for Chelsea. We were defending really well and it looked like it'd take an act of God for them to equalise. So, since everyone at Liverpool and the British press clearly think that I'm such a being, I decided to use my divine powers to inspire them a bit, even though I've yet to sign for them. But hey, I always believe in getting a good start. The standing ovation the Chelsea fans gave me everytime I took a corner after scoring really filled my heart with immense pride. Even before I scored, I was already doing my part by having the worst match of my career; misplacing passes, loosing possession easily, running around aimlessly while berating my teammates. But clearly that wasn't enough, so I decided to up the ante and be more of a threat around the goal area, my goal area that is".

Clearly hyped-up over the goal, Gerrard went on to say: "Well, it was a brilliant goal really. I saw that the freekick from Ferreira was heading no where fast, with not a Chelsea player in sight to challenge for it. So with no apparent danger, I took it upon myself to out-jump my fellow teammates who had it well covered to get a touch and thankfully, it ended up at the back of the net, Dudek had no chance! Poor fella, he was having a blinder, but I'd make it up to him by sending him a nice Christmas present next year. With what Chelsea will be paying me, you can bet that it'd be more than just a card". Well kudos to you Gerrard, egocentric little sod that you are. The only thing missing from that goal was your trademark celebration of brushing off all your teammates who helped you score, running up to the crowd, and shouting: "Who's the man?".

On a side note, the EPL has proven once again how hopelessly deluded it is in thinking that it has the best football on offer anywhere. When the best teams from the so-called Best League In the World (trademarked Andy Gray) met up with their 'inferior' European counterparts, the results were predictable: they got their assess handed to them, big-time. It is not without a hint of irony that the worst of the four English teams to qualify stand the biggest chance of going on to the next round. And this they did without Steven 'I'm the Man' Gerrard (just makes you think if he is really all that after all, eh, eh).

So, EPL leaders Chelsea played Barcelona and for all the world looked like Everton playing, er, Chelsea (do you see what I'm doing here, do you see?) and Man U (supposedly playing the best football in the league now) made to look like a Sunday league team against Milan, at home no less. Remember, this is the same Milan that plays in a league that Sir Alex Fergusen, in all his brilliant pre-match comments, said was inferior to the Spanish and English leagues. Arsenal did one better by trying their best to help Bayern to score. Bayern, nice German gents that they are, decided that three would do and conspired to miss a sitter or two. Ah well, at least Liverpool made it. That's 1 out of 4. So much for best league in the world, best league in Britain maybe. It kinda makes you wonder about those darn English eh. At least they're the best in rugby, with teams like Ireland, France and Wales standing no chance against them...err, hang on just a minute...

While on the topic of over-hyped, over-zealous and over-wrought, the Oscars were on today. Million Dollar Baby has won Best Picture. Good show, slightly depressing, but methinks that Closer should've won. Same too with the best supporting actor and actress, would've liked Clive Owen and Natalie Portman. Though I don't begrudge Morgan Freeman for winning it. He's a class act. Surprised me that Martin Scorsese didn't win Best Director, considering the Academy has a habit of giving awards to those favourites who's never won them before (cue Al Pacino's overacting for Scent of a Woman) or should've-won-them-the-year-before-but-didn't-so-we'll-give-it-to-you-this-time-round-even-though-you-don't-deserve-it (Russell Crowe winning Best Actor for Gladiator as opposed to for The Insider). No fear Martin, the Greatest Living American Director will land one sooner or later (he should've gotten it for Raging Bull and Goodfellas). Maybe your next flick with that blond man-girl of yours? With good ol Jack Nicholson and Mr Good Will Hunting himself, Matt Damon in the mix, I'm sure that The Departed will be up for some awards same time round next year. Never mind that it's a remake of that over-hyped Hong Kong flick, Infernal Affairs. Ok, enough now, enough.

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