Thursday, January 25, 2007

100. One Hundred

Today marks a momentous event that will go into the annals of history as a day of days, ranking right up there with the discovery of America, the invasion of Normandy, the birth of Christ, the birth of Jessica Alba, and the creation of an artificially intelligent super system that will one day rule the world and harvest the human race as batteries. And what day is that? Why, today is the day Dastardly Musings reaches 100 posts (discounting those mind-numbing postings from Drew that is).

To celebrate this truly historic event, let us share the myriad of emotions we've experienced since being involved with this blog. But before we proceed, have you noticed how we have started referring to ourselves as if we were more than one entity? Truly disturbing isn't it? Yes, even we scare ourselves sometimes.

Anyway, any blogger will tell you that maintaining a blog is a mind-destroying affair. There's just too much effort involved for too little satisfaction. It's like groping in the dark, trying to find your way, afraid and uncertain, but blindly forging ahead for fear of ridicule or humiliation if you don't complete the job. And before you know it, it's all over, much too soon, and much too disappointing. Just like sex for the first time.

Yet through the darkness, there is light yet that endures. Some of the highlights include being able to write utter crap (this post being a prime example, come to think of it, same goes with most of this blog!) and get away with it; having an outlet to be all self-righteous and proper while actually being decadent and morally bankrupt inside; and of course, being able to write the kind of self-indulgent crap this entire sentence is constructed on and still feel mighty pleased with ourselves as if we struck gold on the dance floor and scored with that hot hoochie mama that all the other guys were ogling but were too pussy to approach because we really like to write long sentences that don't mean a thing but is nonetheless pleasing and strangely comforting. Yes, as Roland of Gilead would say, we have truly forgotten the face of our father.

So although a little bit of soul has died in the course of writing this blog, we are still joyous that we've come this far. From the dark early days where we knew not what we were about, right up to the present, where we still know not of what we're about but have somehow reached self-actualisation in between to actually care anymore. What matters is, for better or worse, we're here. And we're here to stay. Some might find that extremely unsettling and retarded, but that's because you're an idiot. If you find it profound, then truly you are blessed. And in extreme to get out more often.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Michael Jackson just applied to be the new manager of Liverpool Football Club.

Why did he apply?

Cos he loves the idea of being spanked by 11 kids at home.

99. Women

Now when it comes to chicks, I'm as clueless as the other guy as to understanding what they want. I guess it's because we're so different. It's not like I believe that men are from Mars or that women come from your anus (or was that supposed to be Venus?) or anything. Nor do I believe in making sweeping statements that men are creatures of reason whilst women are creatures of emotion. That's utter bollocks, I've known a great deal of men who weep like small children and who talk without thinking and who go off on bitchy episodes for no rhyme or reason. So no, that statement doesn't apply at all. 'Cause there are plenty of men who act like women. It's just that, well, men are different from women. And it's clear that men are superior to women in many, many ways.

Not that I'm a sexist or anything. No, nothing like that at all. Heck, I'm all for women getting to vote (just as long as it's worth only 25% of a man's vote) and getting equal pay (equal to 50% of what a guy earns that is) and all that. I'm just not for them being allowed to speak unless spoken to. It's obvious that in an ideal world, a woman should be seen and not heard. One day, and what a glorious day it'd be, society will be reshaped to follow the following hierarchy: Men = The Masters, Women = Those Who Serve The Masters. Imagine such a time. That's like finding a land of milk and honey all over again or having Christmas everyday. Utopia.

Think about it, the many lives that would've been saved if only mankind (notice it's mankind and not womankind? You did, didn't ya?) were smart enough to have put women in their rightful places much sooner. History has shown us that a great many wars would've been averted if only women understood that men were smarter and hence, obeyed their every command. If Helen of Troy had half the brains of a guy, she would've known enough to obey her husband and ignore her craving to get a piece of that pretty boy Paris. And such, the deaths of heroic warrior-men like Hector and Achilles would've been avoided. Think of all the things that they would've gone on to do had they lived, real important things that only men can do.

Ok, so maybe the Trojan War is the only war I can think of that was caused by a chick. And maybe it never happened at all in the first place, but let's not let such minor details get in the way shall we? What's important is that the entire thing was written up by Homer, who was a man. Yes, a man. Who the man? He the man. If you replace man with woman in that line, it wouldn't sound so nice. Who the woman? He the woman. I mean, that's so lame right. Ah, another bit of insurmountable proof that men are superior to women.

Oh yeah, I just thought of another thing. There would've never been a Darth Vader if not for a woman. We all know that all those cool Jedis died because Anakin displayed girly-like tendencies, like love and emotion, and allowed his manliness to be diluted because of a chick. Then again, Darth Vader was the king bad-ass of the universe. Especially when he chopped those pesky Jedi kids into bits (if only he didn't stop with them but continued with that bitch Jar Jar). A woman would've never done that. No, she'd let things like compassion and her maternal instincts get in the way of light-sabering a few defenseless kids into half for fun.

Here's another bit of conclusive evidence to make my case air-tight. Chuck Norris was a man. And we all know how bad-ass Chuck Norris is. He could like, make you his bitch by just looking at you and, ummm, punch through walls and stuff and roar real loud like a lion. Lions are cool. And everyone knows that all lions are male (those other over-sized cats without a mane don't count as real lions). Roarrrrr. Imagine if Chuck Norris was a woman. That'd be too horrible to think about right? A chick with a beard and mullet. Yeech. And if Chuck Norris was a woman, her name won't be Chuck Norris anymore. It'd be like Charlene Norris or something. That'd be so lame. We all know that guys' names are cooler than girls'. If Brad Pitt had a girl's name, it won't sound as manly as Brad Pitt you know. It'd be something like Doreen Pitt. And Doreen is a horrible name for a guy. So there, I've managed to make two points for the price of one. A girl wouldn't have been able to do that.

But seriously folks (not that I wasn't serious earlier, just that I'm more serious now), if there's one thing that any guy should know about when it comes to dealing with a woman is this: he who hesitates...masturbates...

Night y'all. Boy that was fun.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

98. Blood, Guts and Glory

Today, Mr Bush declared that he would be committing 21,500 more troops to Iraq, hoping to stabilise the increasingly turbulent country.

Based on this study, there have been approximately 655,000 casualties since the Iraqi conflict began in 2003, with most of the deaths being violence-related (attributable to gunfire and bombings). However, worsening health and environmental conditions also contributed to thousands of deaths. Since March 2003, 2.5% of Iraqi's population has perished above what would have occurred without the conflict.

Comparatively, 3 million civilians died over the course of the Vietnam War.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

97. The Circle Opens

We're about a week into 2007, and I reckon that many a New Year's resolution has already been broken (it took me all of three days to succumb to that unearthly craving for a fag). So many a resolution broken and hangover sustained, we're really off and running this year.

Right, having already borne witness to a great many and dastardly thing, I've come to the overwhelming conclusion that this will be a good one indeed. Age and numbness of the mind has yet to dim my enthusiasm for life (but ask me again next week and I might answer differently).

There have parties a plenty towards the tail end of zero six, celebrating the return of old friends and to give farewell toasts to departing ones. There has been vows of matrimony exchanged for those poor deluded fools who have somehow found that it's entirely necessary to consummate their love for one another by getting hitched. Alas, those poor sods, God bless their souls the damned fools!

All that good vibes has carried on to zero seven, and fuck yeah, don't we know that it's gonna be a hell of a ride! So stick around folks, and let's partake in this adventure together, and refrain ourselves from partaking in acts of severe retardation (at least till it comes to our birthdays, and we can acted as fucktarded as we want).

It'll only be too long before that shit starts hitting the fan...till then, let's ride this wave of goodwill for a bit eh?

96. Evolve

Evolutionary theory entails that we have yet to reach an end point to what we can become. There might come a time when humanity has evolved to a higher plane of existence, where we shed our physical coil as we have no need for it, and all that is left is the mind.

If you were to strip away all our attachments to material things and our dependence on technology, all we have left is our humanity, and our inherent affinity for one another. Perhaps that this all we need. And maybe in that sense, mankind has actually regressed in the evolutionary process.

But rather than think of what we are to become thousands of years from now, let us have a think of what we could become, starting today.

How do you spend most of your days feeling? Are there feelings of bitterness and hate? Perhaps a bit of spite or jealousy? And what of arrogance and hubris? Do you really think you are better than any of your fellow man? If so, in which way? Was it because you were better educated? Smarter? Richer? Stronger? That you belong to a certain race? Your history? Your culture? Your friends and family?

We each of us have our preconceived notions of who we are and it is those same notions we us to view others. Be it with a sense of self-importance or loathing, be it unspoken or assertively demonstrated. And in it, we feel comfortable and protected. Because this is how we perceive our own sense of self-worth in the world, and how differentiate ourselves from others.

Maybe it is only when we experience great loss that we are filled with this great sense of humility that perhaps should have never left us from the day we knew how great and wide this universe was as a child. When everything has been stripped away, we become altogether human in our vulnerability. There and then, do we feel the essence of how who we are, in the face of overwhelming grief. And we are confronted with the only emotions that matter; sorrow...and compassion.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

95. Cry Havoc

“Cry 'Havoc', and let slip the dogs of war, that this foul deed shall smell above the earth with carrion men, groaning for burial”
- William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

Maybe there will come a day when wars are fought between the men who start them and not the poor young sons of a nation. And it will come to pass that the only casualties of war are the soldiers who fight them and not the innocent. Maybe there will come a time when both victor and vanquished are equally culpable and punished for crimes committed against humanity.

But that will leave none innocent. For all war is crime.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Quotes, Part Deux

Continuing Part 1.

My hairy friend’s replies when asked the following questions.

‘Tok kok’ – my hairy friend replied about his hair growing back on his dome.
‘Tok kok’ – my hairy friend replied to him putting on weight.
‘Tok kok’ – my hairy friend replied to joining us at karaoke at 12am.
‘Tok kok’ – my hairy friend replied to his handicap of 12 had been inflated by 5.
‘Tok kok’ – my hairy friend replied when his boss was bitchslapping him while gesturing Triple-H signature move on his crotch ( just checking if you’re still paying attention).

‘Yehr right’ – my recently pregnant friend in Melbourne in answer to my suggestion of 'clean' Phuket/Thailand trips.

'It's been raining every damn day since i came home..'
'Yaa, u should go under the sun more - u looked pale & fair like a girl.' - yes mom.

Overheard and seen on the Tube

‘There is no story plot in Mamma Mia’ – err..

Bunny ears/halo hair band.

Yellow leather boots.


Burger from last night.

Today’s dinner (purged).

‘Oo, I heard there’s a scene of Daniel Craig with his swimming trunk’ – girls just wanna have fun.

‘I wonder what Michael Jackson is up to these days’ – a beautiful ‘curious’ mind.

Men wearing silk scarf.

‘Boyzone are regrouping, when is Spice Girls coming together?’- 2007 is looking up already!

‘Everytime I see Peter Crouch, my mind tells me to hit him!’ – I’m not alone.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

94. The Long Defeat

"Please allow me to introduce myself,
I'm a man of wealth and taste,
I've been around for a long, long years,
Stole many a man's soul and faith"
- The Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil

We've been fighting the long defeat for ages. Most of us anyway. It's a strange sort of war this one, in the sense that the ending is already pre-determined. There may be some sweet victories to savour in minor skirmishes and even large battles, but victory in the war will be forever unattainable. Yet we shall fight it. With tooth and nail, with every sinew and muscle. Till our hands bleed and our hearts ache, and our brains pound and our eyes tear.

Which war do I speak of? But you know the answer to that already. Our fall will be the fall of the ages.

93. Bright Shiny Things

It's official folks, 2006 has been bound, gagged and safely bundled away to be stored in the cold recesses of time in memoriam.

2007 is here. For better or worse. Let's just hope that it's for the better now. We've seen a quite tumultous end to the year, closing as how it began. Natural disasters, terrorist bombings, raging war in the Middle East, an underending cycle of violence in Africa. We've even seen the execution of a dictator.

If there's one thing that we can be sure of in 2007 is more of the same. There will never be peace in the Middle East, at least not in our lifetime. The underending devastation and starvation in Africa will never cease, unless we actually become the change we want to see. There will always be earthquakes, floods, storms. And politicians will always keep doing that thing they do, which is really nothing when you think about it.

There will be rape, murder, pillaging, profiteering, racketing, corruption. Oh, you can bet on that. There will also be more people getting oppressed and exploited, pawns in a powerplay from those who wield or seek power. The upper middle class will get richer and richer, till there is no more upper middle class as the gulf widens between the haves and the have nots. Capitalism is working just fine and perfect ladies and gentlemen.

Oil prices will continue to soar. Interest rates will continue to rise. Prices of everyday things will get inflated. Hollywood will keep churning out crummy soulless films. The fake will keep faking it. And that darn shit will still keep hitting the fan.

Yup, all that we can be sure of happening. Undoubtedly so. And you know what else? There will be a great many number of people who will fall in love, and be enraptured by the passion and fire it brings. And there'll also be many who will share those sacred vows of matrimony, with their hearts filled with love and hope for happiness everlasting. A mother will cry as she craddles her baby in her arms for the first time. Someone's life will be saved by a total stranger; a firefighter perhaps, or maybe a cop or a nurse. A starving child in Africa will be given hope through donated funds used to buy medicine and build schools. Old friends and family will be re-united, and so many laughs will be shared and many tears shall be shed. And people will find faith, in God, in their leaders, in their family, in their friends, in themselves.

That's a certainty folks. It's just so incredible to see what a predictable year 2007 will be. It truly is. But it will nonetheless amaze us, for there's just nothing as grand as experiencing those bright and shiny things for ourselves. You betcha.