64. Muppet Watch #2

At the risk of sounding as giddy as a schoolgirl on crack, I must say that England are doing their upmost best to fulfill all lofty expectations of themselves. Lofty in the sense that they'll be the best over-hyped team of the tournament.

Against Paraguay they looked clueless, lumbering and worse of all, uninterested. Though I must admit that they did have some semblance of a team for a minute or two. Just before they took the lead with a brilliant goal. Said goal in question was of course scored by a Paraguayan player. Then it went pretty much downhill from there. Only that there wasn't much lower to sink to.

Coming as underdogs against the mighty Trinidad and Tobago, England played as the weaker team would in these testing circumstances. They lumped the ball upfield with the blind hope that their break-dancing bean pole of a striker would get a lucky deflection and score. And score he did, which was again a Herculean-feat as he used his 10 foot 9 frame to outjump the giant 4 foot defender that was marking him. He did miss the most difficult chance of the World Cup so far mind. Unmarked and only the keeper to beat from about 8 yards. But of course the wind was blowing, and the sun was shining, the fans were too noisy, and the grass wasn't green enough. Valid reasons that.

But at least he did look better than his midget partner, who seemed to scurry about aimlessly carrying the heavy reputation of being someone who used to have pace and could score goals.

And the greatest midfield in the world, as we are all led to believe, had another outstanding game. Running around bumping into one another with antics that would make the Three Stooges proud, they seemed intent at outdoing one another in being the one who hit the most aimless and misdirected passes. Ever.

But of course they were playing against a midfield that would rival Brazil, with players plying their trade in the lower regions of Scottish and English football.

The best of the bunch would have to be Lampard, who has now decided that he's Pele. Only without the skill and technique. And the vision. And the ability to pass. Nevermind pass, the ability to think straight would suffice.

Ecuador and Germany must be wetting themselves in anticipation that they'd be lucky one to meet the muppets in the second round. Oh yeah, did I mention that? The muppets are through. And so the freakshow goes on in Germany. Viva Italia.

"Everyone, look at me!!! I'm a giant mutant-retard trying to dance!!! WHEEEE!!!!"