Thursday, April 21, 2005

15. Malaise

"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication,"
- Lord Byron

"Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has given me,"
- Winston Churchill

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems,"
- Homer Simpson

"Dude, you're seriously sloshed,"
- Some guy in a club last night

A brief respite from all things football, thank heavens for that. We can't all be Nick Hornby-like in our footie obsession eh (and what an unhealthy obsession it is considering he supports the Arse).

Right, it’s a Thursday afternoon, and a goodish Thursday it is, a public holiday and those things always come in handy when you're in need of a bleeding hangover to get over. Right now it feels like there's a tiny munchkin bashing a sledgehammer in my skull, he's a nasty bugger him; bash, bash, bash, he goes, evil 'lil git. I've lost all taste in my tongue, I'm suffering from blurred vision, and I'm close to typing like 3 words a minute here. I hear happy birds singing their happy songs yet there are no birds in sight. I'm stuck at some dingy corner at Starbucks, though I know for sure that there are no dingy corners in the Starbucks universe. I feel like the plane of existence has somehow shifted, and I've been thrown into some warped Lovercraftian alter reality where there are nasty tentacled things lurking in the nether regions of the earth, or wait, that could've been those twats circling round the bottle the whole night hoping to scum off some drinks.

Yes, yes, after yet another alcohol-fueled night of revelry and massive destruction of brain cells and the like, I had an epiphany of sorts. Ah, those divine and priceless moments of self-actualisation when the secrets to life as we know it is just one more drink from being revealed. Thus on and on we drink, in pursuit of knowledge that thus will ensure the preservation of the human race. Ah, yes, I'm talking shit now. I do realise that, but somehow, I'm unable to stop myself. Surreal man, it's like I'm floating out of my body right now and kinda hovering over this unshaven red-eyed dude typing with sloth-like ferocity on his laptop. It's kinda blissful really, like my pure subconscious mind has finally freed itself of it's decrepit host and is rejoicing in it's freedom away from the dastardly thoughts that inhabit the waking mind. As I observe my mortal coil below me, I feel like asking him the question that has plagued the minds of men since the dawn of time (or at least since the advent of alcohol), is the price you're paying now this very moment worth that fleeting moments of joy and bliss that you felt (or thought you felt) last night? And am having the sinking feeling that this won't be the last time I'd be asking that poor sod the very same question eh.

But nevermind that for a bit, there are some life lessons to be learnt. Not very relevant, but I have to somehow console my wasted self that last night wasn't all for naught. The lessons for today are:
1. Guys stand a better chance of hooking up with chicks if they're in the company of other chicks (preferably babes) themselves. It's always pathetic to see a bunch of guys standing round a table to themselves without a girl amongst them hoping to score. We all know that unless they look like the cast of Ocean's 11, it'll never happen. And is it just me or are there just too many single guys out there? What the heck happened to the three girls to every one guy ratio?
2. Guys should never ever, and I mean ever, dance with other guys in a circle on the dance floor or anywhere else in a club for that matter. It's just too pitiful. Even in my drunken state, I felt my heart weep tears of sorrow when I saw a bunch of hopeful looking dudes pulling off their dirty dancing moves, with each other, on the dance floor. Undoubtedly they were thinking that when the chicks got a load of them grinding each other they'd all go googoo gaga. Erm, nope. The opposite reaction is more likely. As in gag gag pukerama.
3. It's very rare indeed that girls who go out to clubs are looking to hook up with guys. They're either with their boyfriends, girlfriends, or just looking for a good night out. Alternatively, they may be looking for their next customer. When they're genuinely looking to hook up, it's always with a nice rich expat who one day they believe will take them away to some far off country with milk and honey to live a sitcom-like existence (laugh track playing in the background optional).
4. It's never the same getting high without trance music leading the way. Ah, PvD and Chicane...where art thou in clubs these days?
5. Alcohol drives men to turn miraculously into immortal warriors of heaven and earth who make all quiver in their presence. Well, at least they think so, right up till the point they get their asses kicked and thrown out of the club that is.
6. Drinking to drown your sorrow is a load of crap, it just multiplies it tenfold and leaves you to turn into a weeping emotional pulp. It's never a pretty sight.
7. Driving home when you're loaded is no way to go. Especially when you're going home alone.

One last thing, I would like to say sorry to an absent friend whom I miss very much. Sometimes people do stupid drinks when they're drunk eh, so be patient with them yes? It was just one of those nights. I think we're all allowed at least one or two moments of insanity when intoxicated.

And with that, this writer quietly rests his case for (or against? I can't remember) getting sloshed. Till next time, remember that the first drink's always with water, the second without, and third, ladies and gentlemen, the third tastes like water.

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