Sunday, January 14, 2007

99. Women

Now when it comes to chicks, I'm as clueless as the other guy as to understanding what they want. I guess it's because we're so different. It's not like I believe that men are from Mars or that women come from your anus (or was that supposed to be Venus?) or anything. Nor do I believe in making sweeping statements that men are creatures of reason whilst women are creatures of emotion. That's utter bollocks, I've known a great deal of men who weep like small children and who talk without thinking and who go off on bitchy episodes for no rhyme or reason. So no, that statement doesn't apply at all. 'Cause there are plenty of men who act like women. It's just that, well, men are different from women. And it's clear that men are superior to women in many, many ways.

Not that I'm a sexist or anything. No, nothing like that at all. Heck, I'm all for women getting to vote (just as long as it's worth only 25% of a man's vote) and getting equal pay (equal to 50% of what a guy earns that is) and all that. I'm just not for them being allowed to speak unless spoken to. It's obvious that in an ideal world, a woman should be seen and not heard. One day, and what a glorious day it'd be, society will be reshaped to follow the following hierarchy: Men = The Masters, Women = Those Who Serve The Masters. Imagine such a time. That's like finding a land of milk and honey all over again or having Christmas everyday. Utopia.

Think about it, the many lives that would've been saved if only mankind (notice it's mankind and not womankind? You did, didn't ya?) were smart enough to have put women in their rightful places much sooner. History has shown us that a great many wars would've been averted if only women understood that men were smarter and hence, obeyed their every command. If Helen of Troy had half the brains of a guy, she would've known enough to obey her husband and ignore her craving to get a piece of that pretty boy Paris. And such, the deaths of heroic warrior-men like Hector and Achilles would've been avoided. Think of all the things that they would've gone on to do had they lived, real important things that only men can do.

Ok, so maybe the Trojan War is the only war I can think of that was caused by a chick. And maybe it never happened at all in the first place, but let's not let such minor details get in the way shall we? What's important is that the entire thing was written up by Homer, who was a man. Yes, a man. Who the man? He the man. If you replace man with woman in that line, it wouldn't sound so nice. Who the woman? He the woman. I mean, that's so lame right. Ah, another bit of insurmountable proof that men are superior to women.

Oh yeah, I just thought of another thing. There would've never been a Darth Vader if not for a woman. We all know that all those cool Jedis died because Anakin displayed girly-like tendencies, like love and emotion, and allowed his manliness to be diluted because of a chick. Then again, Darth Vader was the king bad-ass of the universe. Especially when he chopped those pesky Jedi kids into bits (if only he didn't stop with them but continued with that bitch Jar Jar). A woman would've never done that. No, she'd let things like compassion and her maternal instincts get in the way of light-sabering a few defenseless kids into half for fun.

Here's another bit of conclusive evidence to make my case air-tight. Chuck Norris was a man. And we all know how bad-ass Chuck Norris is. He could like, make you his bitch by just looking at you and, ummm, punch through walls and stuff and roar real loud like a lion. Lions are cool. And everyone knows that all lions are male (those other over-sized cats without a mane don't count as real lions). Roarrrrr. Imagine if Chuck Norris was a woman. That'd be too horrible to think about right? A chick with a beard and mullet. Yeech. And if Chuck Norris was a woman, her name won't be Chuck Norris anymore. It'd be like Charlene Norris or something. That'd be so lame. We all know that guys' names are cooler than girls'. If Brad Pitt had a girl's name, it won't sound as manly as Brad Pitt you know. It'd be something like Doreen Pitt. And Doreen is a horrible name for a guy. So there, I've managed to make two points for the price of one. A girl wouldn't have been able to do that.

But seriously folks (not that I wasn't serious earlier, just that I'm more serious now), if there's one thing that any guy should know about when it comes to dealing with a woman is this: he who hesitates...masturbates...

Night y'all. Boy that was fun.


drew said...

now this is just rude!! how could u mention helen and leave out cleopatra ?

Anonymous said...

you are so right, man. thats why so many guys turn gay.. do u want me to introduce some to u??

Anonymous said...

Joe, I think it's time you came out of the closet and live your true life. Being gay can be fun....once you've liberated yourself from the constraints of society and its prejudices!!!

joe said...

speaking from experience are we?